sleeping adds to the boulders on my shoulders.
If only I could be normal. Think normal thoughts, do normal things, coast along happily through life, living, loving and learning, focusing on the day I will retire. Why do I have to be so full of fancy. Always wanting to touch the stars can be tiring, hard to fit it all in around
everyday life of dishes, laundry, running a business, dogs and now, shoveling snow. All the mundane stuff is gravity, pulling you down when you want to fly. I want to do so much, that I end up becoming emotionally paralyzed and then do nothing. That’s when the poor me’s move in and it takes a smack down brawl to throw them out.
Yesterday was such a day. Everything seemed bigger, tougher, more draining. Small things became large and large things became elephants in the room. I kept shrinking more and more as each hour passed and I got so far behind in my goals for the day I started to fidget. I became irritated until I couldn’t stand the heat of the shop, even my jeans seemed too tight and confining; when I went outside my gloves annoyed me, my fingers fumbled and I dropped my keys in the snowbank, even the weight of my purse on my shoulder got under my skin. Everything seemed exaggerated and I left work feeling sucker punched by the day.
And then over dinner it peaked and I teared into a glass of club soda, (it would have been wine but I had to drive home and besides, crying in a restaurant might put people off their food). The festering boil popped and drained, leaving nothing but a sense of renewed hope, of being alive, thankful for my blessings and a renewed spirit to continue the journey. Mom would have said it was a 'kick in the arse day', one of those moments to bend over and get a well placed reality check. Nothing like a boot in the butt to put things in perspective so you stop sweating the small stuff. My friend said "Get out the big girl panties and put them on!" Buck up soldier! Shit or get off the pot!
Today I woke up, hauled my weary body out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, took the pups outside and inhaled the crisp freshness of a new morn. My negative alter ego had vanished and although I know there will be more of these moments, that's okay. I am only human. I know I won't be shocking anyone with the revelation that I have bad days, we all have them, no one sails through life on a happy boat every second of every day. I know the grass is not greener on the other side, unless of course you have astro turf, a fake reality that will bite you at some point so don't look down your nose at me!
Today I have a million things to do. Get orders out, get a kit ready for pick-up tomorrow, then go home sometime in the evening to dishes piled along the counter, laundry spilling out of the hall door, (I no longer have a matching set of socks), bring in more firewood and try to get to bed before midnight. I could let it drag me down again but I'm going to say "to heck with it", take time just for me, write on my book or maybe sit for a bit and stare at the wall, have a nice soak in the claw foot tub and read, or get out my hooking, finish the poor Christmas stocking that keeps goading me into a big guilt. I've been working pretty hard lately and I need a bit of fun. Something just for me so I won’t get tied up in a ball with the complaints of the day. All work and no play is making me a dull dilly.
I've been told I'm a perfectionist and the reason behind the stress. Too bad I couldn't have it surgically removed or zip it off like a skin tag. I have high standards and that's what makes my shop so unique, but maybe I could lighten up a bit, not put so much pressure on myself. Maybe I'll live a little longer.
"Don't let the Perfect be the enemy of the Good" - Voltaire