Honey and I have had a rough couple of days. She’s going downhill with a normal velocity but when she becomes anxious it speeds up the decent. So...she won’t be getting groomed anymore. Tuesday she went in for her appointment and the anxiety of the wash and blow dry set her back. She started breathing hard and fast while there and it escalated throughout the evening and night so by the next morning she had a difficult time breathing. We rushed to the vets. She was coughing and then hacking a most horrible noise. She calmed a bit in the car but her lungs had filled up with fluid from all the heavy panting so we are back to square one, once again. I let her sleep all day yesterday and by midnight last night her breath was as good as it gets at this stage in her disease. She was peeing less so that means little or no fluid in the lungs. The pills dehydrate her so I have to make sure she drinks a lot of water, which normally she does but I help her ingest even more with a syringe. The pills dry out her nose badly and that’s only what I can see, I don’t want her kidneys and other organs struggling because shes now on a high dose of diuretic for a week. It's a tough learning curve but now I see a direct correlation between her being stressed and trips to the vet so I'll be able to practice prevention in future.
I saw a new vet yesterday as the regular one was off and she was very frank. She told me to be prepared because Honey could die any moment with a heart attack. It’s amazing how much that little organ can take as sometimes it sounds like it will break the ribs and jump out of her chest. She said I could leave her there for the day on oxygen but when it comes down to that it’s time to make a decision. Whatever I can do for her at home I’ll consider as long as it isn’t stressful on her, but she’s not spending her last days in a hospital. She shakes like a leaf at the vets so how is that helpful when she’s supposed to remain calm? No, I will administer to her all I can until whatever is will be. If I wasn’t so sad I’d smile, sweet Honey has always had a big heart, and now it’s growing to match the figurative in a literal sense.
I’m trying to hold it together and not be sad but tears leak here and there as if my ducts have opened new holes. I hope that she can hold on until hubby comes home as I don’t want to be alone with final decisions or however the end plays out. I’ll need hugs and plenty of them. Today she looks and acts perfectly normal until she jumps on her ball or runs to grab the vacuum cleaner cord. Then she coughs like there’s a fur ball choking her.
I take her everywhere I go now, and never leave her for more than a quick trip to the grocery store. Shane says I should stay home and not bring her to the shop as she sometimes barks when people come in and rushes to meet them but that isn’t stressful for her. She’s happy and her tail is waving wildly and besides I can’t stay home forever. If she keels over because she’s excited someone is coming in to schmooze her, it wouldn’t be a terrible thing to go happy. Not good for the customer but hey, I’ll try to smooth it over with some free wool and do my darnedest to convince them they were fortunate to be part of her beautiful passing from this life.
My hubby tells me over and over that she’s had great life and I know this to be true, but I can’t seem to dwell on the positive when all I can feel coming is the heart wrenching loss of her being gone. Time with her will never be enough, I'll always be greedy for a minute more, a day, a week..... She is my first poodle, my big girl, I couldn’t love her more if I’d given birth to her, so I’ve been slipping down a dark hole of late. I’m trying to keep it together, trying to think happy thoughts, hooking as therapy to keep my mind in check, but maybe I’m a glass half empty kind of gal cause I continue to linger in a state of sorrow and she hasn't even left me yet.
Yesterday was a total write off as far as work is concerned as my girl needed to snuggle close so we warmed the sofa together. I talked to her and massaged her and she relaxes under my touch. I’ve been taking lots of photos as there will never be enough to capture her true essence. I’m not depressed but not far from its doorstep. I’m looking pretty ratty with unwashed hair and no will to rectify it. I have a rare headache, uncommon for me, that water doesn’t seem to ease. I need to perk up, shake this off and try to be thankful she is still here, count blessings with the days she’s able to be on the top side of the garden. After all, her heart may be stronger than it seems. Maybe this glitch is just that, perhaps we’ll be together for many more months. Unfortunately, the big secret of life is the time of our death. If I could look into a crystal ball I would, it’s not knowing that does me in, the fear of losing her, never seeing her pretty little face again, look into her beautiful eyes. Feeling the comfort of her warm little body in my arms. My babies have the best life possible but they give me far more than I give them, I would be lost without them. I’ve been perching on pins and needles with every cough, every wheeze, counting breaths, listening to her heart with my stethoscope for changes, waking 10 times a night to check to see if she is still with me....it's like watching a grenade after the pin is pulled......
I saw a new vet yesterday as the regular one was off and she was very frank. She told me to be prepared because Honey could die any moment with a heart attack. It’s amazing how much that little organ can take as sometimes it sounds like it will break the ribs and jump out of her chest. She said I could leave her there for the day on oxygen but when it comes down to that it’s time to make a decision. Whatever I can do for her at home I’ll consider as long as it isn’t stressful on her, but she’s not spending her last days in a hospital. She shakes like a leaf at the vets so how is that helpful when she’s supposed to remain calm? No, I will administer to her all I can until whatever is will be. If I wasn’t so sad I’d smile, sweet Honey has always had a big heart, and now it’s growing to match the figurative in a literal sense.
I’m trying to hold it together and not be sad but tears leak here and there as if my ducts have opened new holes. I hope that she can hold on until hubby comes home as I don’t want to be alone with final decisions or however the end plays out. I’ll need hugs and plenty of them. Today she looks and acts perfectly normal until she jumps on her ball or runs to grab the vacuum cleaner cord. Then she coughs like there’s a fur ball choking her.
I take her everywhere I go now, and never leave her for more than a quick trip to the grocery store. Shane says I should stay home and not bring her to the shop as she sometimes barks when people come in and rushes to meet them but that isn’t stressful for her. She’s happy and her tail is waving wildly and besides I can’t stay home forever. If she keels over because she’s excited someone is coming in to schmooze her, it wouldn’t be a terrible thing to go happy. Not good for the customer but hey, I’ll try to smooth it over with some free wool and do my darnedest to convince them they were fortunate to be part of her beautiful passing from this life.
My hubby tells me over and over that she’s had great life and I know this to be true, but I can’t seem to dwell on the positive when all I can feel coming is the heart wrenching loss of her being gone. Time with her will never be enough, I'll always be greedy for a minute more, a day, a week..... She is my first poodle, my big girl, I couldn’t love her more if I’d given birth to her, so I’ve been slipping down a dark hole of late. I’m trying to keep it together, trying to think happy thoughts, hooking as therapy to keep my mind in check, but maybe I’m a glass half empty kind of gal cause I continue to linger in a state of sorrow and she hasn't even left me yet.
Yesterday was a total write off as far as work is concerned as my girl needed to snuggle close so we warmed the sofa together. I talked to her and massaged her and she relaxes under my touch. I’ve been taking lots of photos as there will never be enough to capture her true essence. I’m not depressed but not far from its doorstep. I’m looking pretty ratty with unwashed hair and no will to rectify it. I have a rare headache, uncommon for me, that water doesn’t seem to ease. I need to perk up, shake this off and try to be thankful she is still here, count blessings with the days she’s able to be on the top side of the garden. After all, her heart may be stronger than it seems. Maybe this glitch is just that, perhaps we’ll be together for many more months. Unfortunately, the big secret of life is the time of our death. If I could look into a crystal ball I would, it’s not knowing that does me in, the fear of losing her, never seeing her pretty little face again, look into her beautiful eyes. Feeling the comfort of her warm little body in my arms. My babies have the best life possible but they give me far more than I give them, I would be lost without them. I’ve been perching on pins and needles with every cough, every wheeze, counting breaths, listening to her heart with my stethoscope for changes, waking 10 times a night to check to see if she is still with me....it's like watching a grenade after the pin is pulled......
RSS Feed
