Blog therapy seems to work! The more I talk the better I feel! After that incident last week I’m coming to life again. I even hauled my Christmas ornaments upstairs that have been lying by the front door since New Year’s. When I said I break down when I’m pressured and stressed and do nothing, I didn’t scratch the surface of that truth, everything stops like a dead battery. I function with the enthusiasm of a cadaver and twice as little energy.
Maybe it’s a way to punish myself I don’t know. Seeing those ornaments, day in and day out, every time I go up or downstairs bothered me but I couldn't allow myself to clear them away when I was being so bad. Stupid games I play with myself. My ex husband taught me well. Maybe I’m so used to being a punching bag that lifetime ago, I need to go a few rounds on myself every now and then just to feel normal? Who the hell knows at this point but I’m really not a basket case, I’m a high functioning, artistic person who just has a few quirks to work on....let's call me "eccentric". At least I’m not cutting my ear off......
I had a new pair of glasses that were ready for pick up four weeks last Friday. I needed them but let them sit there for a month! Another punishment I guess. My eyes have been bothering me, probably the reason why I hit forward instead of reply on that email I sent to the wrong person. I couldn't make time to go in and pick them up when I was so busy consumed with the guilt and stress I’d created. Now I can see clearly, both figuratively and literally.
It’s a big boat we are all in and it’s scary when you fall out every now and then and almost drown in the swell of that big, unforgiving sea. Our baggage weighs us down. You can’t travel lightly in this world. We see and learn from those who come before us or do things to us. We are all flawed in ways, it’s what makes us who we are, it’s what develops our character. Maybe my fumbling can help someone else realize their own unhealthy patterns, or maybe cause a chuckle because you’ve been there and already had the light bulb moment. Or maybe it will serve to allow you to appreciate the lack of drama in your own life, thank your lucky starts you don’t have a song and dance existence.
Since that incident, I’ve been productive in so many ways. I hope I can keep up the momentum. After three Halleluiah's in Sue's comment after my last blog, I also realized how my state of mind effects those around me. It must be difficult to watch me tear myself down until I’m lying in ruins on the floor. If the roles were reversed I'd have no problem saying, "Buck up soldier, get a grip, haul out the big girl panties and smarten up! Maybe someone should give me a swift kick in the arse every now and then so I realize I’m in 2014, a time when my life is friggin wonderful, instead of lingering in the past when I was mired up to my eye balls in sewage and stop me from falling into old habits that are dying a mighty slow death.
From today on, I would like to have more fun. That lump that’s been choking me has dissolved and the tension has melted away. There is nothing on my agenda right now that is daunting and if I stay the course, it will never happen again. I have two custom designs to do that are fun and I can’t wait to see the finished pattern. I like fun things, I much rather pet a soft kitty than stick a pin in my eye. I have to keep remembering this is only a craft, not world domination, there should be nothing to stress about. Really, I’m in the driver's seat and saying no isn’t the end of the world, right? If someone doesn’t like me because I refuse their request, the world won’t cease to revolve....right? I’ll be nervous for a bit and testing that theory for the first time will be daunting considering it’s uncharted waters!
So I've been practicing saying no to my dogs. Trying to come up with a nice way as not to insult or hurt anyone's feelings. They've been very helpful. I know I'm doing it right when I get a lick of approval. Practice will be worth the freedom I gain from doing things that take away my valuable time and energy. I'm settling on "Thank you, but that doesn't work for me" as my go to statement. And another thing I need to do is stop making excuses, give explanations or saying I'm sorry as that is just a weak response on the shortcut to a yes. Leave no doubt as to my conviction....be clear, complete, polite and smile, knowing that I've done the right thing for me and in the long run, you.
Maybe it’s a way to punish myself I don’t know. Seeing those ornaments, day in and day out, every time I go up or downstairs bothered me but I couldn't allow myself to clear them away when I was being so bad. Stupid games I play with myself. My ex husband taught me well. Maybe I’m so used to being a punching bag that lifetime ago, I need to go a few rounds on myself every now and then just to feel normal? Who the hell knows at this point but I’m really not a basket case, I’m a high functioning, artistic person who just has a few quirks to work on....let's call me "eccentric". At least I’m not cutting my ear off......
I had a new pair of glasses that were ready for pick up four weeks last Friday. I needed them but let them sit there for a month! Another punishment I guess. My eyes have been bothering me, probably the reason why I hit forward instead of reply on that email I sent to the wrong person. I couldn't make time to go in and pick them up when I was so busy consumed with the guilt and stress I’d created. Now I can see clearly, both figuratively and literally.
It’s a big boat we are all in and it’s scary when you fall out every now and then and almost drown in the swell of that big, unforgiving sea. Our baggage weighs us down. You can’t travel lightly in this world. We see and learn from those who come before us or do things to us. We are all flawed in ways, it’s what makes us who we are, it’s what develops our character. Maybe my fumbling can help someone else realize their own unhealthy patterns, or maybe cause a chuckle because you’ve been there and already had the light bulb moment. Or maybe it will serve to allow you to appreciate the lack of drama in your own life, thank your lucky starts you don’t have a song and dance existence.
Since that incident, I’ve been productive in so many ways. I hope I can keep up the momentum. After three Halleluiah's in Sue's comment after my last blog, I also realized how my state of mind effects those around me. It must be difficult to watch me tear myself down until I’m lying in ruins on the floor. If the roles were reversed I'd have no problem saying, "Buck up soldier, get a grip, haul out the big girl panties and smarten up! Maybe someone should give me a swift kick in the arse every now and then so I realize I’m in 2014, a time when my life is friggin wonderful, instead of lingering in the past when I was mired up to my eye balls in sewage and stop me from falling into old habits that are dying a mighty slow death.
From today on, I would like to have more fun. That lump that’s been choking me has dissolved and the tension has melted away. There is nothing on my agenda right now that is daunting and if I stay the course, it will never happen again. I have two custom designs to do that are fun and I can’t wait to see the finished pattern. I like fun things, I much rather pet a soft kitty than stick a pin in my eye. I have to keep remembering this is only a craft, not world domination, there should be nothing to stress about. Really, I’m in the driver's seat and saying no isn’t the end of the world, right? If someone doesn’t like me because I refuse their request, the world won’t cease to revolve....right? I’ll be nervous for a bit and testing that theory for the first time will be daunting considering it’s uncharted waters!
So I've been practicing saying no to my dogs. Trying to come up with a nice way as not to insult or hurt anyone's feelings. They've been very helpful. I know I'm doing it right when I get a lick of approval. Practice will be worth the freedom I gain from doing things that take away my valuable time and energy. I'm settling on "Thank you, but that doesn't work for me" as my go to statement. And another thing I need to do is stop making excuses, give explanations or saying I'm sorry as that is just a weak response on the shortcut to a yes. Leave no doubt as to my conviction....be clear, complete, polite and smile, knowing that I've done the right thing for me and in the long run, you.
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