Encompassing Designs
  • Home
  • Shop
    • Kits
    • Patterns >
      • Christine Little >
        • Signature Designs
        • New Designs
        • Seasonal Designs
      • Deborah Sweet
      • Susan Leslie
      • Patricia Perry
      • William Morris
    • Supplies >
      • Backings
      • Frames
      • Hooks
      • Books
      • Extra
    • Wool >
      • Abrashed
      • Custom Dyeing
      • Dyed Bundles
      • Dyed Curly Mohair
      • Dyed Spots
      • Dyed Values
      • Dyed Yarn
      • Jacquard Dice Dyes
      • Natural & Colours
      • Plaids & Textures
      • Dye Books & Swatches
  • Ordering
  • Blog
  • Workshops
  • Our Story
  • Contact Us

Broken vase, broken heart....

11/5/2013

15 Comments

 

"Death ends a life, not a relationship" ..........Mitch Albom

PictureMarjorie Eileen Veinotte
I went through a period in the 90’s when I collected a bit of Cranberry Glass.  Nothing substantial, just a few select accent pieces. In case you didn't know, Cranberry Glass gets  its colour from gold, and that makes it extra special and of course expensive.   

1991 was the year that hubby and I tied the knot, a quick affair before he headed off to the Marblehead Ocean Race.  We joke that he spent his honeymoon with a bunch of sweaty, flatulating men on board a 40 ft sailboat.  I was probably the only one unhappy!   The vows out of the way, we planned to have a reception on his return, but life sometimes steers us off course.....
 
My mother had been suffering for years with painful veins in her legs and then she developed a clot that although wasn’t life threatening, it did cause her sleepless nights as she felt the blood pulsing against the blockage.   She was of the generation that never complained so the doctor didn’t realize the severity of her discomfort and the operation was pushed back several times due to schedule conflicts.  Shortly after we married she finally went in for surgery.  She came home to convalesce and at that time sent my sister out to buy a piece of Cranberry glass for a wedding gift.  I couldn't have been more delighted. It was a very large piece with a curvaceous body, perfect for floral arrangements or just a centerpiece to admire.  

Sadly, mom contracted an infection and had to go back to the hospital for a second surgery, didn’t do so well and was taken back into the OR for a third time.  Three surgeries in a short time frame taxed her body and she began hemorrhaging into her abdomen.   Out of the blue we received a call that our was dying and would not make it through the night. 

When we arrived at her side she was barely coherent with a tube in her mouth so she couldn’t speak.  We talked to her and her eyes were frantic as she  tried to communicate with us.   If only someone had told us to give her a pen and paper. If only we had thought of it...but that time is lost forever and we will never know what she was trying to say. I could tell she was afraid, who wouldn't be? It was a terrible time for her and for us.  We watched our mother die when there had been no preparation, no chance to come to terms with losing her.

She lost consciousness shortly after we arrived and then we just waited by her side as her body shut down one organ at a time and finally her heart stopped beating.  The nurse told us she had a very strong heart, beating fiercely until the end.  We talked to her right until the end hoping she could hear and not feel alone.  There are no words in the English language to describe the emotions of that terrible night.   

I was numb from the shock.  The thought hadn’t entered my head that she would die, then or ever.  She was 58, that's only 3 years older than I am now.  My mother was strong both physically and mentally her entire life and I'd always viewed her as a rock; invincible; infallible.  She was the matriarch, the one you went to with problems, for support and advice and now she was gone.  We were just starting to get to know one another as women, not as mother and daughter.    There was so much I didn’t know about her and she me.  


I cried but it seemed forced, not the kind of grieving that wretches your stomach, steals appetite and the will to live.  For several weeks my eyes leaked tears like a facet in need of a new washer but my pain only skimmed the surface. I sat on the sofa and cross stitched a Blue Willow scene and thought of her, remembering, analyzing feelings,  and wondering  when the numbness would peel away to allow for  deeper feelings to emerge.  But although the tears may not have been flowing like rivers, the sadness was profound, I barely smiled and dug deep for reasons to carry on. 

The public viewing was difficult.  There was a gaiety about it that I didn’t understand.  I was sad, and I wanted everyone to feel the same way.  Loosing my mother was a loss of grand proportions and I couldn't take it lightly.  People in my family were saying things like, “It was for the best, she didn’t suffer,” and  “She looks good.”   Rage brewed under the surface from their stupid words and I wanted to scream, she doesn’t look good, she looks dead!   Her body was bloated from the trauma of medications and dying; that cold shell laying there didn't look anything like her. 


And her death wasn’t for the best, what kind of stupid thing was that to say.  It wasn’t like she suffered through a long debilitating illness with crippling pain.  Maybe death in that circumstance would be sweet relief and “all for the best” but she was alive and well less than a couple of days ago taken down by an infection.  A senseless death really, ripped from us by a string of bad luck, a dirty instrument, something not sterilized properly?  I could see and feel no blessed relief

Bitterness consumed me.  I felt there wasn’t enough grief and respect in the room. Taking the cue from the lighthearted manner of family members, people were laughing and talking around her body and kids were loud and running and chasing one another.  It felt more like a party than her funeral.  I wanted to scream but I stood like a statue and barely spoke to anyone except my husband who held me up that awful day.  All I could think was that she deserved better, there should have been tears, a show of respect.  Except for my hubby and I welling up, there wasn’t a moist eye in the place, nor a hanky in hand.   I felt sick and ashamed to be a part of this strange family. 

I’ve been to enough viewings to know that people deal with grief in all kinds of ways but I have never been to one where no one shed a tear.   I stood apart from my family and watched in disbelief.   I shed tears even now as I write this, our mom deserved a public display of emotion, if not by tears, by sad faces, eyes that tell a tale of grief even when the mouth dares to form a smile.  This was no time for jokes and merriment.  This was our collective time to say goodbye to our mother.   I left hurting for her.  I kept my feelings to myself because of my status of black sheep, a title I've been unfairly given because no one cares to know the real me, just judge who they think I am.  I’ve been slammed my whole life because I’m a private person who minds her own business and doesn’t intrude on the lives of others.  It’s not that I don’t care; I just have enough to deal with in my own life and don't have time to meddle in someone elses.   If that makes me a black sheep, than I guess I’m baaaaaad to the core.   

So I internalized my feelings and fixated on the wedding vase, the last gift my mother had given me.  I clung to it like a life raft.   I put it in the dining room on the buffet, a place to showcase its beauty.  Next to my life, that vase was the most precious gift my mother had ever given me.  The first and last testament of her love.   

We were in the process of buying our first house when she passed away and now we were renovating one room at a time.  I cleared out everything from the dining room  except the table and buffet and although I should have packed up the vase or moved it into the living room, I wanted to see it while I worked. I can’t describe the attachment I felt to this pretty piece of glass but it comforted me, just knowing it was there.    So I left it on the buffet and started painting the room. 


When I needed to move the buffet to access the wall behind it, I slightly lifted the one side to take the weight of the old steel casters so not to scratch the newly sanded floors when moving it out from the wall.  I guess I lifted it a bit too high as the caster fell out of the bottom of the leg so when I sat it back down that leg dropped lower and the buffet tipped forward.  I watched in a slow motion horror as my beloved vase tipped over and crashed to the floor below, smashing into hundreds, possibly thousands of pieces. 

I stared in disbelief with mouth agape. 


And then a scream came, a loud mournful, guttural sound that escaped from the pit of my stomach and worked its way up into my throat. Then another scream followed, as agonizing as the first.  And tears....a tsunami of tears, blinding me, splashing down my cheeks, soaking my shirt and floor. I kept screaming and screaming, insane with agony.  It was as if my mother had just died but this time I was feeling every shard of pain, cutting at me as if I'd fallen on the broken glass on the floor.  

Then I felt panicked, claustrophobic and started to run from room to room, pulling at my hair as I tried to escape the pain.   I ran up and down the stairs, screaming and wailing, thrashing about in a madness I haven't felt before or since.  


At some point I collapsed to my knees and wept for what seemed like hours.  All I could think was that my mother was dead, gone forever.  Even though she had died months before, it was as if it just happened and the pain of it felt raw from the open wound.  

As the tears subsided I felt totally drained.  Too weak to stand, I literally crawled up the stairs on my hands and knees and managed to get into bed.  I fell instantly asleep.  

The broken Cranberry glass was later gathered and kept in a shoe box. I still have it after twenty two years. I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away.  I spent months searching for its twin unsuccessfully and will continue to look for the rest of my life.  If I find one, I’ll place it on the buffet and pretend it was the original,   but so far it seems that vase was a one of a kind, just like my mom.   I couldn't even find a picture of a similar piece on the internet,  nothing came close. 

I often wondered why it happened.  Even though it was stupid to leave such a fragile, precious object out during a renovation, how could fate be so cruel?  If the moment had a silver lining it might be that the experience was cathartic, finally allowing me to deal with and process my mother’s passing. 

My mom died on October 5th so I've been thinking about her a lot lately.  This story reminded me that I've wanted to wire wrap a few of the larger broken pieces of Cranberry glass.  I've ground down the edges to a smooth finish to wrap into a pendent so I can wear it close to my heart….the place where my dear mom now dwells......   

Picture
15 Comments
Shirley Roux
11/5/2013 01:12:37 am

Your Mother raised a very special daughter. ..and she knows that to this day.

Reply
Christine
11/7/2013 01:58:34 am

Thanks Shirley!

Reply
Alice link
11/5/2013 01:30:33 am

What a sweet story ~ I know how you feel on so many levels. Peace to you ~

Reply
Christine
11/7/2013 01:59:37 am

Although it was a traumatic moment loosing that vase, I look back on that moment knowing it represented how much I loved her.

Reply
Laura McGrath link
11/5/2013 02:26:05 am

A sad story, but you're an excellent writer! You should take all the pieces of glass to someone with a glass kiln and have them melt it down into a mold, maybe a circle or something with a hole in it that could become a Christmas tree ornament or suncatcher. Or maybe even a glassblower who could incorporate your vase into some clear glass with cranberry wisps running through it.

Reply
Christine
11/7/2013 02:00:34 am

Food for thought. I'm wrapping a piece right now but it would be nice to have a sun catcher. Thanks!

Reply
Vicki B link
11/5/2013 02:29:50 am

My dad died suddenly in 1991 of a heart attack. We knew he had heart disease, but still, it comes like a thief to steal away. I think you were perfectly valid in how the indifference to your mother's loss was displayed. I believe that Death itself is repugnant because it violates Creation--on some level every creature, human or animal knows it on some level. Our culture has removed itself from death as much as possible - no longer church graveyards, but so often on the fringe edges of town where we don't have to see the cemeteries. Attendance at funerals is at an all time low - People are just too BUSY--they won't take time time to help and support a grieving family. I suppose what you experienced is why I don't particularly care for "visitations" where so many who attend aren't truly grieving. Grief is such a personal thing and no one else can truly feel what you experience. I remember thinking how the world was going on and how was that possible --my dad wasn't in this world anymore and it would never be the same for me, my sister and mom. We did have a visitation for my dad, but he would have not liked it--in our family we dealt with grief privately--people could bring food to the home, but visiting cemeteries and public visitations as such were not our way of handling loss. My mom is currently in the later stages of Alzheimer's Disease, and her service will be a private graveside service with only close family and a few close friends invited.
Your heartfelt tribute was beautifully expressed. It touched me.

Reply
Christine
11/7/2013 02:11:28 am

My....we share the same thoughts. I've written a fair amount about death in my novel and it mirrors your thinking a great deal. The words people use to describe death I find bizarre, like "I lost my mother", well where is she?, the body is resting, like it's siesta time. We've covered up death to make it palatable but it's a part of life. We all do what we have to....but it's definitely a time to cry if there ever was one. The loved one, friend is gone forever and needs to be mourned. Have you heard about the drive through mortuaries in big cities, for people too busy to attend funerals? You just drive by and view the body on the way home from work like being at a take out window. What a world we live in.

Good luck with your mom...Alzheimer's Disease is so difficult for all parties involved...be strong.

Reply
ally
11/5/2013 04:25:01 am

I lost my father when he was 59, myself I was 28. Though it wasn't as sudden as your mom's passing, I agree with Vicki that I thought the world should come to a halt. I remember seeing cars driving, people getting on and off buses, shopping, etc. and thinking they shouldn't be just carrying on as if nothing has happened. I feel awful for you that the proper respect and grieving process was not observed at your mother's funeral. Those people should have been there to support you, and feel your pain. And what a blow to have the cranberry glass shatter - heart-wrenching for sure. I like your idea of making a necklace from a piece of glass, to wear close to your heart. No matter how old we are, they will always be our parents, and always be an indomitable force in our lives.

Reply
Christine
11/7/2013 02:14:39 am

It is amazing how we get through the death of a loved one. You feel that life will end but it seems to go on....it has since the dawn of man. I suppose we are stronger than we think!

Reply
Starr
11/6/2013 08:23:13 am

I have often said to friends who have their parents living, "You'll never know the lost your heart feels until your own parents die". Tears fill my eyes just knowing how much I miss them. Nothing can prepare you in life for the emptiness you feel when they gone. Memories are the only thing you can cling onto to bring the smile back to your face. Thanks for sharing your mom with us.

Reply
Christine
11/7/2013 02:36:05 am

There are so many times when something happens, either good or bad, that you need to share with a mother. There is a void so deep nothing can fill it.

Reply
Jan
11/6/2013 10:36:45 am

Christine , do you have a picture of the vase. I as well collected cranberry glass in the 80's...........maybe I have one like it. Xo

Reply
Christine
11/7/2013 02:38:59 am

I just found a picture on a site called Rossi Glass that is very close if not the very same piece. I wasn't quite sure but got out the pieces and I think it's the right one. I thought it had clear crystal on the top but apparently it didn't. Funny over the years I'd forgotten the mental picture so it's a good thing I kept the glass. I can't add pictures on here to show you.

Reply
Deb
11/26/2013 03:23:48 am

I was very touched to my very soul by the story about your mother. hugz

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Christine Little has been ranked #5​ out of the 60 top rug hooking bloggers by Rug Hooking Magazine!

    Picture
    Picture
    Max Anderson, Australia, recipient of my Nova Scotia Treasures rug.  An award of excellence for promoting Canada through his writing.  
    Picture
    Picture

    RSS Feed

    Archives

    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    July 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    July 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012

    Picture
    Picture
    Gift Certificates are available for that special rug hooker in your life!  Any denomination, no expiry date! 

    Picture

    Categories
    (Click on the categories for past blogs)

    All
    Announcements
    Beginner Class
    Christmas
    Colour Planning
    Contests
    Copyright
    Coupon
    Customer Rugs
    Cutter Servicing
    Dyeing
    Equipment
    Featured Hooker
    Giveaway Draw
    Guest Blogger
    Guest Blogger
    Health & Fitness
    Home & Heart
    Hooked Rugs
    Hooking Groups
    Hook In Talk
    Initially Yours
    Jibber Jabber
    Just A Bit Of Fun!
    Life's Experiences
    Life's Experiences
    New Design
    New Ideas
    Pattern Of The Week
    Patterns Hooked
    Pets
    Rants
    Recipes
    Rememberingfbe7326ff7
    Rug Schools
    Show & Tell
    Show-tell
    The Rant
    Tips Technique
    Tips Techniquef0cd117ab4
    Visitors
    Workshops

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture





















    Picture
    We have a pot to "Fiz" in!

Shop Hours:
Monday - Friday 10:00 AM - 5:00 PM 
Saturdays 12:00 PM - 4:00 PM
We are closed during ice and snow storms
​so please call ahead.  If school is cancelled we probably are as well.  

Toll Free: 1-855-624-0370
Local: 1-902-624-0370​
encompassingdesigns@gmail.com

498 Main Street
P.O. Box 437
Mahone Bay, N.S.
Canada B0J 2E0

​Follow us and keep up to date
on our specials, new products
​and events!
Picture
Picture
Picture


Home
Shop
Ordering
Blog
Our Story
Workshops

Contact Us




​​​© Copyright 2023 Encompassing Designs. Website by SKYSAIL