I might be asking the question in the title but I found out how far I can bend before I crack last week. Something terrible happened and it beat me black and blue emotionally. I've needed time to recover so I haven't been writing.
Through this unfortunate, stupid mistake on my part, I've realized exactly what I’ve been doing to myself and it's forced me to take a long hard look at the way I deal with jobs. I've had to admit I'm going about things the wrong way which is a tough pill to swallow. At 55 I need to accept that I can't do it all, especially the things I don't find intriguing or stimulating.
I always have a mental list of things that I want and need to do. This list is perpetual. It never seems to shorten, just grows longer and longer, like an animated fish tale. I'm sure you can all relate or the term "Bucket List" would not exist. The list is all about creativity and inspiration, jobs to improve the shop like new designs, new products, and custom requests for patterns.
Through this unfortunate, stupid mistake on my part, I've realized exactly what I’ve been doing to myself and it's forced me to take a long hard look at the way I deal with jobs. I've had to admit I'm going about things the wrong way which is a tough pill to swallow. At 55 I need to accept that I can't do it all, especially the things I don't find intriguing or stimulating.
I always have a mental list of things that I want and need to do. This list is perpetual. It never seems to shorten, just grows longer and longer, like an animated fish tale. I'm sure you can all relate or the term "Bucket List" would not exist. The list is all about creativity and inspiration, jobs to improve the shop like new designs, new products, and custom requests for patterns.
I like being creative, it's my favourite drug. The inspirational juices flow like a river after a flood, swift and non stop. The frustrating part is I am only one person and there are only so many hours in a day to do the things I want to do.
My problem begins when I'm asked to do something that I won't enjoy and can't seem to say no. If the project is exciting and I'm on board mentally, then I make allowances and go for it. But, if the job isn't inspiring, I start to falter and begin thinking about all the things I really would like to do and become upset. If I've said I will do something and there is no bliss in the concept, it's a cog in the wheel. At this stage in my life I just want to be a happy pig in poo, instead I'm finding myself in deep shit all the time. I'm like Dr. Frankenstein. I have dozens of monsters on the go, in varying degrees of completion, some missing legs, others arms, maybe hand or two. They all want me to complete them first, and are moaning out their woes. The pressure is unbearable!
This leads me to the incident....I did a very bad thing. I disappointed a customer by saying I would draw her daughter's dog that I didn’t have any interest in doing. I felt pressured because I knew this woman from my past and I'd felt badly that she had been ill. Like always, I wanted to please but deep down, I was filled with angst knowing how busy I am and how much I wouldn't enjoy working on this drawing. I didn't come right out and say I didn't want to do it, but I tried my best to relay that I was too busy with many orders ahead of her. In my head I was trying to say no, but my darn lips committed treason. There's something inside of me that seeks approval and needs to have people like me, but sometimes it's to my own detriment.
Over time I became frustrated, mostly with myself, and every time the client phoned or dropped by I shriveled like throwing water on a witch. It's no lie I'm busy and I played that card until the deck was gone and each time I felt sicker and sicker....it's that old self punishment I'm so damn good at....that well practiced craft I've been honing for years. Not being Catholic, I sure do seem to carry a lot of guilt. The silver lining is that this horrible moment will always be in the back of my mind when asked to do a job that doesn't interest me and will help me to be honest upfront. Spare us both potential anguish.
I have this weird thing. When I become overwhelmed I shut down and then nothing gets done. I had other jobs to do ahead of this one but I couldn't do them because now I[ was blocked. This job followed me like a dark cloud and I dragged it home with me and allowed it to steal away my sleep. It became all consuming and larger than me. I couldn't deal with disappointing her but was too mentally paralyzed to do it. Sounds crazy I know, but that's what happened.
Life is too short to be weighed down with jobs that don’t inspire or interest me. I'm like this in all aspects of my life, do the fun things first...eat the tasty things on the plate before the so so, and then dally and push the other stuff around with the fork. I'm an eat the cake first kind of gal. I never learned the self discipline to work on jobs that don't interest me first and then do the fun stuff second.
And besides, if a pattern design doesn’t have mass appeal I don't have the luxury of hours or days to work on it. I don't get paid for my time because when I design I just charge as if the pattern came off the rack, no extra fee for custom work. I feel that if it gives me a new design for the rack, I don't charge extra. And...I don’t do hen scratch when I design. I spend hours and hours perfecting my drawings. It can take days for very detailed designs. Then there’s making the red dot and transferring it to the backing and then darkening it. Every design I produce is a work of art, at least I like to think so. Drawing people’s babies, pets and houses take hours or days to create and I have no time to spare when they take time away from the stuff that benefits the shop.
I just read an article about being “bendy” and it hit home. Sometimes you can bend so far that you break and I think I snapped last week. I accidentally sent an email to the client that was meant for a friend and in that email I voiced my frustration over this dog pattern that I didn’t want to do. It hurt the client and I feel terrible, apologized profusely but the damage is done. I've spent days beating myself up….. but, in the end, there always seems to be an important lesson learned. I will never place myself in a position where I feel pressure, or don't want to go to a job again. As long as I can graze in the pasture and do as I please, I am a happy little lamb. When I take on jobs that don’t appeal to me, I lose that joy, I've even thought about closing my door when the pressure grows because running away is easier than facing the client. I’m the kind of person who hates to disappoint, want people to like me but I owe it to the hair left on my head to stop the anxiety, learn to say no and feel okay with it.
I have to start accepting that I am only one person and can’t do it all. I have to start having realistic expectations instead of living in a creative bubble.. All things are not possible, at least not all at once and pretending that they are I will become useless to myself as well as everyone else. I need to keep a balance in the shop. Say no to the unrealistic. Tackle one idea at a time and take it through to fruition. Stop bouncing around and getting nothing finished. Clean up all the backlogged jobs I've been meaning to do for the store. Get some of this weight off my shoulders. I feel like one of those 600 lb people on television, helpless and overwhelmed by the shear size of my ambition. If I don’t slow down the need to do it all, there will be nothing left to spread around. I need to put my enthusiasm on a diet. Like calories, only ingest so many ideas per day. Work within my means, get things done and stop putting myself in a position of self loathing. Be kind to me!
So I’ve been busy cleaning up old projects at work. There's nothing clogging the drain right now so I am getting more things done in the past few days than I have for a long while. Have almost completed to custom drawings, I've been sewing backings on pillows that have been hooked and laying around for years. I'll tackle sewing the Christmas stockings next, I'm making a dent in the piles, making those new kits, and digging myself out of the rut I’ve been in. Keeping that drain clear. No more internalizing and shutting down because of an unwanted plug. Since I did that bad thing I've been trying to turn it around into something positive. I actually feel much better about myself and the shop. It's unfortunate that someone had to be hurt because of how I am wired, but it's never too late to grow from mistakes.
I need to stick to one project until it is finished. If I don’t, delegate that job and be rid of it. If there isn’t enough hours in the day, pick up where I leave off tomorrow until it is completed. No more piles of wool all over my work desk, neglected through negative mental distractions. If I’m going to succeed and continue to feel fulfilled by rug hooking, I can’t let myself get into these kinds of mental binds. By the end of the week I want to see a few things scratched off the list. The other day a friend said that it is detrimental to keep lists in your head. It creates stress. Put them on paper, don't carry the weight of all those jobs around with you... taking them home, to bed and to work each morning. It only serves to make you start the day behind the eight ball, even before you leave the doorstep. Great advice! Of course, Rome wasn't built in a day so there will be times when I falter, but I think I am on a better path, one with less obstructions to trip over.
My problem begins when I'm asked to do something that I won't enjoy and can't seem to say no. If the project is exciting and I'm on board mentally, then I make allowances and go for it. But, if the job isn't inspiring, I start to falter and begin thinking about all the things I really would like to do and become upset. If I've said I will do something and there is no bliss in the concept, it's a cog in the wheel. At this stage in my life I just want to be a happy pig in poo, instead I'm finding myself in deep shit all the time. I'm like Dr. Frankenstein. I have dozens of monsters on the go, in varying degrees of completion, some missing legs, others arms, maybe hand or two. They all want me to complete them first, and are moaning out their woes. The pressure is unbearable!
This leads me to the incident....I did a very bad thing. I disappointed a customer by saying I would draw her daughter's dog that I didn’t have any interest in doing. I felt pressured because I knew this woman from my past and I'd felt badly that she had been ill. Like always, I wanted to please but deep down, I was filled with angst knowing how busy I am and how much I wouldn't enjoy working on this drawing. I didn't come right out and say I didn't want to do it, but I tried my best to relay that I was too busy with many orders ahead of her. In my head I was trying to say no, but my darn lips committed treason. There's something inside of me that seeks approval and needs to have people like me, but sometimes it's to my own detriment.
Over time I became frustrated, mostly with myself, and every time the client phoned or dropped by I shriveled like throwing water on a witch. It's no lie I'm busy and I played that card until the deck was gone and each time I felt sicker and sicker....it's that old self punishment I'm so damn good at....that well practiced craft I've been honing for years. Not being Catholic, I sure do seem to carry a lot of guilt. The silver lining is that this horrible moment will always be in the back of my mind when asked to do a job that doesn't interest me and will help me to be honest upfront. Spare us both potential anguish.
I have this weird thing. When I become overwhelmed I shut down and then nothing gets done. I had other jobs to do ahead of this one but I couldn't do them because now I[ was blocked. This job followed me like a dark cloud and I dragged it home with me and allowed it to steal away my sleep. It became all consuming and larger than me. I couldn't deal with disappointing her but was too mentally paralyzed to do it. Sounds crazy I know, but that's what happened.
Life is too short to be weighed down with jobs that don’t inspire or interest me. I'm like this in all aspects of my life, do the fun things first...eat the tasty things on the plate before the so so, and then dally and push the other stuff around with the fork. I'm an eat the cake first kind of gal. I never learned the self discipline to work on jobs that don't interest me first and then do the fun stuff second.
And besides, if a pattern design doesn’t have mass appeal I don't have the luxury of hours or days to work on it. I don't get paid for my time because when I design I just charge as if the pattern came off the rack, no extra fee for custom work. I feel that if it gives me a new design for the rack, I don't charge extra. And...I don’t do hen scratch when I design. I spend hours and hours perfecting my drawings. It can take days for very detailed designs. Then there’s making the red dot and transferring it to the backing and then darkening it. Every design I produce is a work of art, at least I like to think so. Drawing people’s babies, pets and houses take hours or days to create and I have no time to spare when they take time away from the stuff that benefits the shop.
I just read an article about being “bendy” and it hit home. Sometimes you can bend so far that you break and I think I snapped last week. I accidentally sent an email to the client that was meant for a friend and in that email I voiced my frustration over this dog pattern that I didn’t want to do. It hurt the client and I feel terrible, apologized profusely but the damage is done. I've spent days beating myself up….. but, in the end, there always seems to be an important lesson learned. I will never place myself in a position where I feel pressure, or don't want to go to a job again. As long as I can graze in the pasture and do as I please, I am a happy little lamb. When I take on jobs that don’t appeal to me, I lose that joy, I've even thought about closing my door when the pressure grows because running away is easier than facing the client. I’m the kind of person who hates to disappoint, want people to like me but I owe it to the hair left on my head to stop the anxiety, learn to say no and feel okay with it.
I have to start accepting that I am only one person and can’t do it all. I have to start having realistic expectations instead of living in a creative bubble.. All things are not possible, at least not all at once and pretending that they are I will become useless to myself as well as everyone else. I need to keep a balance in the shop. Say no to the unrealistic. Tackle one idea at a time and take it through to fruition. Stop bouncing around and getting nothing finished. Clean up all the backlogged jobs I've been meaning to do for the store. Get some of this weight off my shoulders. I feel like one of those 600 lb people on television, helpless and overwhelmed by the shear size of my ambition. If I don’t slow down the need to do it all, there will be nothing left to spread around. I need to put my enthusiasm on a diet. Like calories, only ingest so many ideas per day. Work within my means, get things done and stop putting myself in a position of self loathing. Be kind to me!
So I’ve been busy cleaning up old projects at work. There's nothing clogging the drain right now so I am getting more things done in the past few days than I have for a long while. Have almost completed to custom drawings, I've been sewing backings on pillows that have been hooked and laying around for years. I'll tackle sewing the Christmas stockings next, I'm making a dent in the piles, making those new kits, and digging myself out of the rut I’ve been in. Keeping that drain clear. No more internalizing and shutting down because of an unwanted plug. Since I did that bad thing I've been trying to turn it around into something positive. I actually feel much better about myself and the shop. It's unfortunate that someone had to be hurt because of how I am wired, but it's never too late to grow from mistakes.
I need to stick to one project until it is finished. If I don’t, delegate that job and be rid of it. If there isn’t enough hours in the day, pick up where I leave off tomorrow until it is completed. No more piles of wool all over my work desk, neglected through negative mental distractions. If I’m going to succeed and continue to feel fulfilled by rug hooking, I can’t let myself get into these kinds of mental binds. By the end of the week I want to see a few things scratched off the list. The other day a friend said that it is detrimental to keep lists in your head. It creates stress. Put them on paper, don't carry the weight of all those jobs around with you... taking them home, to bed and to work each morning. It only serves to make you start the day behind the eight ball, even before you leave the doorstep. Great advice! Of course, Rome wasn't built in a day so there will be times when I falter, but I think I am on a better path, one with less obstructions to trip over.
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