I awoke this morning a little out of sorts. Crap, who am I kidding, I’m a lot out of sorts. My knickers are in a twist, have been since January and I’m learning that time does not heal a bloody thing. Once trust is gone can it ever be rejuvenated? After you’ve been gutted can you put it all back, stitch it up and get past the pain when the scar is a blinking neon light?
Maybe this morning is worse because I slept little last evening, or perhaps it’s because my knee is acting up, the nerve feels like it’s being sawn in half with a dull blade. Pain is a mood shaper, can drag anyone from a sunny porch to a dark, dank, windowless basement. Discomfort is part of this slump, that’s a given, but only a portion of it. Today is like many when I forcible pull up the big girl panties, thank my lucky stars for all my blessings, repeat my mantra in the mirror that “I am a good person”, smile and be happy to be alive.
Some days are heavier and harder to crawl out from under. Today is one. Today I wallow. I’m ashamed I can let others do this to me; it’s a bitter pill that I swallow, funny how swallow has wallow in it. Perhaps one has to visit darker days to appreciate the brighter ones.
Under all the gratitude, something persists, niggling at me until it accumulates into a large block so I stumble, then I get back up and it starts all over again. This fog in my head, sadness, a thief to steal my bliss started on my birthday last year. 2018 has been tough on my personal life and its taken months to deal with and accept. Everything can change in a minute, what you think you know can turn on you and you are left asking why? There are never any answers, just assumptions but what it boils down to is people are fickle, they are out for their own agenda and loyalty isn’t guaranteed in any situation. Someone kicked my dog and all my friends deserted me, took their side even though I never asked anyone to take sides, my friendship carried less value I guess. It's was another kick, to my pride this time, knowing I'm as disposable as table scraps didn't do much for my self esteem. The wife of the abuser told my husband I’m unstable and should be on drugs because I wrote a heartfelt blog of the traumatizing event, the abuser told my husband that he didn't mean to hit Jake in the face because he was aiming for his neck. People are telling me that they are saying it didn’t happen, that it’s a lie. My husband and I are not liars.
Its been almost a year since it happened, yet for me it runs on a reel in my brain as if it was yesterday, the truth of it as ugly as when it happened. Some will say I shouldn't write this, but the burden of this truth is too heavy to carry anymore, I have to heal it like any festering sore and putting my feelings into words is cathartic. Besides, I have nothing else to lose; I’ve already lost it all. My husband says there was nothing to lose if it can be gone that easily and he’s right, I obviously thought more of my friends than they did me. And that’s okay, the delusion I was under is gone.
I’ve never been the happiest clown at the circus, I’ve lived through a lot of dark shit, I’ve seen how low humans can fall, I’ve been manipulated, abused and bullied by those I loved, those who were supposed to love me, and despite this I don’t begrudge my past, I am the person I am today because of it, honest, loyal, a gate keeper, I'm the kind of person you'd want to have your back, be your friend.
I'm sending these words out into the universe to put an end to this unfortunate story so I can begin a new chapter. I no longer want to dwell on it or give it another thought. I'm hoping that 2019 will be a better year for me, and for my husband as he was as dismayed and shocked how everything turned out as I am. This past year I've been perpetually sad, circumstances have even stolen my writing bliss so I've been silent.....its time to move on and recapture the old Christine but give her a new upgrade.
In my past, because I’ve seen the worst people can throw at me, I was able to appreciate the good, but, and there is always that but, I hoped that as I got older, away from the naysayers and people who didn’t have my best interest at heart, I would see more caring, more support, more of the positive sides of relationships. Here I am almost 60, starting over and more dismayed than ever before.......
Maybe this morning is worse because I slept little last evening, or perhaps it’s because my knee is acting up, the nerve feels like it’s being sawn in half with a dull blade. Pain is a mood shaper, can drag anyone from a sunny porch to a dark, dank, windowless basement. Discomfort is part of this slump, that’s a given, but only a portion of it. Today is like many when I forcible pull up the big girl panties, thank my lucky stars for all my blessings, repeat my mantra in the mirror that “I am a good person”, smile and be happy to be alive.
Some days are heavier and harder to crawl out from under. Today is one. Today I wallow. I’m ashamed I can let others do this to me; it’s a bitter pill that I swallow, funny how swallow has wallow in it. Perhaps one has to visit darker days to appreciate the brighter ones.
Under all the gratitude, something persists, niggling at me until it accumulates into a large block so I stumble, then I get back up and it starts all over again. This fog in my head, sadness, a thief to steal my bliss started on my birthday last year. 2018 has been tough on my personal life and its taken months to deal with and accept. Everything can change in a minute, what you think you know can turn on you and you are left asking why? There are never any answers, just assumptions but what it boils down to is people are fickle, they are out for their own agenda and loyalty isn’t guaranteed in any situation. Someone kicked my dog and all my friends deserted me, took their side even though I never asked anyone to take sides, my friendship carried less value I guess. It's was another kick, to my pride this time, knowing I'm as disposable as table scraps didn't do much for my self esteem. The wife of the abuser told my husband I’m unstable and should be on drugs because I wrote a heartfelt blog of the traumatizing event, the abuser told my husband that he didn't mean to hit Jake in the face because he was aiming for his neck. People are telling me that they are saying it didn’t happen, that it’s a lie. My husband and I are not liars.
Its been almost a year since it happened, yet for me it runs on a reel in my brain as if it was yesterday, the truth of it as ugly as when it happened. Some will say I shouldn't write this, but the burden of this truth is too heavy to carry anymore, I have to heal it like any festering sore and putting my feelings into words is cathartic. Besides, I have nothing else to lose; I’ve already lost it all. My husband says there was nothing to lose if it can be gone that easily and he’s right, I obviously thought more of my friends than they did me. And that’s okay, the delusion I was under is gone.
I’ve never been the happiest clown at the circus, I’ve lived through a lot of dark shit, I’ve seen how low humans can fall, I’ve been manipulated, abused and bullied by those I loved, those who were supposed to love me, and despite this I don’t begrudge my past, I am the person I am today because of it, honest, loyal, a gate keeper, I'm the kind of person you'd want to have your back, be your friend.
I'm sending these words out into the universe to put an end to this unfortunate story so I can begin a new chapter. I no longer want to dwell on it or give it another thought. I'm hoping that 2019 will be a better year for me, and for my husband as he was as dismayed and shocked how everything turned out as I am. This past year I've been perpetually sad, circumstances have even stolen my writing bliss so I've been silent.....its time to move on and recapture the old Christine but give her a new upgrade.
In my past, because I’ve seen the worst people can throw at me, I was able to appreciate the good, but, and there is always that but, I hoped that as I got older, away from the naysayers and people who didn’t have my best interest at heart, I would see more caring, more support, more of the positive sides of relationships. Here I am almost 60, starting over and more dismayed than ever before.......
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