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Tomorrow, our last day together....

10/23/2017

65 Comments

 
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A week or so ago a gentleman was in the shop with his wife and mentioned my absence from blogging.  I told him that lately, with Honey so ill, my thoughts are steeped in sadness and how I don’t want to fill the pages with gloom.   He said he reads my blogs, enjoys them and hopes I get back to it soon.  I was touched and felt a little guilty.  Sometimes my life swallows me up and refuses to spit me out.   I try to fight the darkness that consumes me, but while I can still see beauty all around me, I can’t seem to feel it.  The numbness that accompanies the sadness it is a cross I bear. 

Things are coming to the end for my beloved girl as death taunts her now with the relentlessness of a dog with a bone.  My days are filled with teary reminders that soon my little peanut won’t be giving me kisses or those big beautiful eyes won’t be following my every move.  I feel so badly for her, she loves life and her family.  She loves working at the shop greeting the customers that venture in. She’s a bright spot in a lot of people’s day.  I thrilled that blogging will immortalize her, she’s known all over the world.  People come in from different countries and say, “That’s Honey!”  What a special little girl you have been, a princess of people’s hearts, the Lady Diana of pups.  And like her, you too will die while still beautiful and well before your time.  

Honey, my constant companion for 12 years, we’ve been through a lot of good times and of course some bad.  She warmed the counter while watching my shop grow from the humble beginnings of one room to where we are today. She was beside me, comforting me, when we lost Louis after a tragic accident.  She has been by my side when hubby is away at work so I never feel lonely.  She is one of my best friends, always there for me, up late at night when I struggle to sleep, snuggled close when I’m feeling under the weather. I tell her my secrets and she never betrays me.  She handled our boat like a seasoned sailor.  She loves company, hauling out the Welcome Waggin, her tail spinning like a top.  She was full of social skills, for both people and all dogs.  

The heartbreak of losing her is no surprise; they come with that guarantee as a puppy.  I didn’t have my head in the sand; ripe from losing our German Shepherd, I knew it was inevitable when our beloved pet’s lifespans don't equal ours.    They say the price of love is sorrow and of course that is part of it, but the joy they bring makes it so very worthwhile, and the reason why we do it over and over again.

So it’s time.  I’m forced to deal with things, think thoughts I don’t want to think and face the big looming inevitable.  I’m okay with death and bodies; it’s not seeing that sweet little face again that shreds my heart. It’s her absence I dread. Death is as much a part of life as birth, although one hopes that there is plenty of filler in between.  But it’s never enough is it?  No matter how much time we have, all we want is more, another day, an hour, two minutes.  

It’s been a roller coaster ride to the end.  I think she’s ready and then she does something hopeful, finds a burst of energy to run after a ball or shakes a squeaky toy, eats out of the bowl instead of being spoon fed against her will.  Then I second guess what I know, replacing it with what I feel. The big internal debate, do I set her free on a good day or a bad day?  To me, it seems like murder on a good day and mercy on a bad one.  I’ve been flip-flopping back and forth; trying to make the right decision and just when I think I’m ready to commit, my heart gets involved and overrules my head. 

That is until today.  After she had an uncomfortable night, of watching her struggle to breathe, I faced facts this morning and made the appointment.  Then she surprised me by eating on her own, not much but enough nibbles to sustain her, but I won’t waver, I can’t waver, she is frail, skin and bone, she makes little noises when I pick her up indicating pain.  She sleeps so much now, as if it’s a cure for a failing heart.   Her eyes, although always on me are now sad, the spark has burned out. I know it’s time, to be exact, tomorrow at 5:30 PM, we will say our goodbyes and my tears will soak her little head for the last time.

I don’t do death well, there’s a part of me that can’t let go, mourning to pathetic proportions.   I don’t have much experience watching people grieve, so I’m not well versed in the subtleties of it all.  How I should act?  What’s deemed acceptable in duration?  I kind of go off the rails, led by my aching heart.  Over the top and not far from the edge, that’s me.  I’m the kind of person people shake their heads at; tell me I’m loved despite my quirks.    
 
The truth is, I literally want to die when one of my babies pass.  With Louis I crawled into my bed for three months and cried myself sick. His death was a tragic accident; he was bitten by a black widow spider in the woodpile.  One day I was on top of the world and the next I fell headlong into a dark abyss. I had no time to adjust or prepare like I have with Honey’s long illness, not that time makes it any easier.  But I will be better able to function, get on with life sooner, go to work although tears will be at the ready, lingering at the ducts waiting for one of a thousand emotional triggers to let loose the flood gates.   I’ll leave the mascara in the drawer and tissues in my pocket for a while.  I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad or cry, but I’m not as brave as she is….

My fear has kept me awake nights, dozens of times reaching out to see if she is breathing, if that enlarged heart is still beating; sometimes when she is really close to me, I can feel the vibration of it in the night.  But I’m also torn, hoping she is gone when I touch her, cold and empty of her essence naturally.  All along I’ve hoped I wouldn’t have to decide her fate; I wanted it to be a natural passing, on her own terms and peaceful. 

I’m not oblivious to some who think I am well over the top, I know some pets are not treated like anything more than chattel.  One woman told me they put their dog down after it had a seizure and threw up some blood.  She complained that it took a week to get the stain out of the carpet. My God, I thought, that poor baby.  My Honey has been peeing the bed since they put her on diuretics a year ago. I’ve never done so much laundry in my life; and you all know how I dislike laundry!  I’ve cleaned up the occasional diarrhea that’s part and parcel of medications, I’ve set the alarm once and sometimes twice to get up through the night to take her outside so she doesn’t have to lie in discomfort with a swollen bladder, reducing what little sleep I seem to get but never too tired to kiss her on the way back to bed and assure her she is loved. I always gave her as much water as she can drink,  never worrying about the wet blankets and quite frankly, that might be the reason she hung on for so long, instead of dehydrating from the drugs that don't discriminate where they took fluid from, I made sure she had plenty of reserve.  I’ve massaged her twice daily, morning and night, cooked her favourite foods, bought her endless grocery store roasted chickens because the last few months she only wanted to eat knuckles. I carried her from pillar to post, through the heat of summer and the hot flashes her warm body created.  I’ve not eaten in a restaurant or left her alone for five minutes in almost a year, turned down social events because I would never leave her alone, she was the center of my universe for as long as she needed to be. I begrudged nothing, I’ve had no complaints, and I’ve felt no inconvenience.  For me she is family, adopted into my life and treasured as much as human flesh and blood.  She was never a burden and for me, putting her down was never an option.....until pain got involved. 

I get far more from my babies than they get from me, the unconditional love is limitless, and having four poodles, my cup runneth over with liquid gold.   Holding one of their tiny bodies in my arms  a parental warmth washes over me, I’m their mother in every sense of the word.  I would do anything for them.
  
I’ve spent the day crying and holding her.  I tremble knowing what tomorrow will take from us both.  My eyes are swollen; my left eyelid has exploded with ulcers, burned by acidic, salty tears.  The lid is red, ripped apart and bleeding as grief flows from my body through this small conduit. I’m a sight for sore eyes but my Honey doesn’t mind, she licks my hand and snuggles up to me as if I’m the most important thing in the world and to her I am, so it shatters my heart into a million pieces knowing I’m the one calling the shots that will end her life.       
 
I’ve been in a constant stasis of grief for a year, I’ve been sad since her diagnosis.  Every faint, every cough, every stumble breaks me.  I feel so badly for her and I hate that I can’t fix her.  She has outlived the expectations of our vet; they are amazed she has hung around considering she has been in the last stages of Congestive Heart Failure since that fateful appointment back in November.  She’s almost made it a year, saw her 12th birthday in September, things were to the point where I hoped Christmas might be possible, but now I think we’ve done all we can and love is no longer a good enough reason for either of us to hold on.    
 
I whisper in her ear that she should die on her own terms, but she refuses to leave me, her hoes and bros, her daddy.  Even as I write this she stares at me, sometimes winking her left eye as if she knows.   She still follows me wherever I am in the house, our bond an invisible tether.    

Her heart beats on, steady and loud; it shakes her body, rocking it back and forth.  Her lungs are clear and she still breathes deeply, the problem is with her abdomen, it’s filled with fluid, pressing on her lungs and causes breathing problems.  She eats less, her stomach is squeezed by the fluid. We had the liquid removed once, a traumatic event for Honey which failed to drain enough of the fluid to do any good and afterwards her entire abdomen turned black from bruising.  It was tender and sore and I swore I wouldn’t do that again.  No heroic measures, they aren’t worth frightening her only to grab a few more days of reprieve.  She doesn’t understand we are trying to save her. We can’t communicate that, all she sees and feels is the pain of needles, the sterile, frightening environment and strangers poking and prodding, forcing her on her back for x-rays and the awful horse sized pills she has to ingest twice a day.   When the technicians whisk her away from me for procedures, she stresses, her heart beats even faster threatening to explode and I’m on pins and needles until she returns to my arms.  She shakes like a bobble head, pulled and pushed to and fro by the pounding of her enlarged heart.  Animals don’t understand the world of medicine, this is not a part of their natural, instinctive world.  In the wild they get sick, crawl away, find a hole and die and accept it readily as their fate.   
 
Tomorrow I plan to take her to the beach; she loves the smells of salt air, seaweed and dried sea creatures buried in the rocks.  She loves to sit and watch the ebb and flow of the ocean, she loves the breeze tugging her ears as she stares off into the horizon.  It will be a rough day for me counting down the hours.  I will be held hostage by grief until she is gone only then can I slowly emerge from the sadness. I will rejoice that she was in my life and know that I gave her the best possible existence any little dog could imagine.  She hit the puppy lottery with me as her mom and I think she knows it.  I have nothing to be ashamed of and every reason to be proud of the care and love her daddy and I have given her. 

My sweet girl will never be far from my thoughts; my love is not the kind that fades away.  I just turn a page to a new chapter; the previous chapters will always remain intact, emotions and all.   I love all my babies that have gone before me, deeper than words can express, they will always be a part of me, their beautiful faces etched on my memory; all I have to do is close my eyes to see them. 
​
Max, my German Shepard, now gone 15 years, his leather collar still hangs on the backdoor doorknob. It jingles every time the door opens and fills me with comfort.   I snipped a curl of Honey’s tail hair, a piece of her that will bring comfort as well, added next to Louis’s photograph on a kitchen shelf, my white toy poodle boy, who only lived on this earth for two short but precious years before he was taken, I forge a bond as strong as steel with my animal babies that can never be broken…..      
 
“We, who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached. Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way.” ........Irving Townsend

65 Comments
Cathy Lowe
10/23/2017 06:58:25 pm

Christine, I’m with you every step of the way and understand completely. My tears will not help you but I hope my prayers will.

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Lorrainec
10/23/2017 07:00:48 pm

Sending warm hugs and kind thoughts to you Christine . You have made sure that Honey’s spirit will live on . Rest easy .. you have done everything humanely possible ❤️

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Sue
10/23/2017 07:12:55 pm

Christine, my thoughts are with you, I have been there before like you, you will be ok and will have Honey in your heart,with you forever.
I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow with Honey.

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Vicki Crane
10/23/2017 07:19:59 pm

What a beautiful tribute to your beautiful Honey. May God's loving arms surround you with comfort, peace and love in the difficult days ahead.
Vicki

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Chris Johnson
10/23/2017 08:00:44 pm

I wept through this story, and at times wanted to stop reading it. I lost Bob, my 19 -year-old poodle in July, and it broke my heart. Gosh, how I miss him! I can tell your bond with Honey is a lot like mine with Bob. He came from a shelter and he never forgot it.
Thanks for writing this wonderful tribute. From one dog lover to another, I will be thinking about you and Honey tomorrow.

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Caryn
10/23/2017 08:32:50 pm

I will hold you both in my thoughts and prayers. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes as I remembered the time I was in the very same shoes. You are doing the right thing. May it be well with your soul and her memory always be a blessing.

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Amy
10/23/2017 08:33:35 pm

So sorry! When I was a child and realized pets don’t live as long as we do I was heart broke. I am still heartbroken when I see people lose their pets. I have lost many myself but I still love to have a fur baby. Hugs to you!

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Marye
10/23/2017 08:34:20 pm

I too snipped a piece of my Patricks tail to keep along with his ashes. So very sorry to hear your sad news. Will be thinking of you tomorrow and saying lots of prayers for you and Honey. Your other dogs will need you more as they too morn her loss. God bless you all.

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Winnie Cairns
10/23/2017 08:44:34 pm

I am so sorry - I read this with tears running down my cheeks and felt your pain. A beautiful tribute to Honey. Take care.

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Shannon
10/23/2017 08:59:53 pm

Reading in tears. I have an 11 year old pupper and dread the day. I have cancer and she sustauns me. Hugs.

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Maggie
10/23/2017 10:51:26 pm

Oh Christine, your words stirred so much emotion within me and brought tears to my eyes. I want to ease your pain and the hurting that you’re feeling. There is a tremendously strong bond between a dog and her best friend, her family. Honey loves you very much and she knows how much you love her. You have my deepest sympathy, and I am keeping you in my thoughts during such a difficult time.

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Paula
10/23/2017 11:22:53 pm

Oh, Christine. I'm so sorry that Honey's final day has come. All of your household will be in my thoughts and prayers during the coming days.

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Susan M
10/24/2017 03:38:49 am

Safe journey Honey. You have obviously been in a loving home for your years and have returned the love many times over. 🐾

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Elaine Allerton
10/24/2017 04:20:46 am

Sooo sorry , christine,,,,, you have been an angel to ur sweet honey! And did it with love!!♡♡
Thinking of you,,,,,

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Lucy Richard
10/24/2017 05:16:02 am

My dear Christine, my heart goes out to you and your broken heart.
Please keep blogging about your feelings, it will help you heal.

Farewell little Honey, run free of pain over rainbow bridge.
We will miss you at the shop.

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Brenda Greek
10/24/2017 06:09:08 am

So, so sorry Christine. Beautiful tribute to your Honey. You will miss her terribly, but you know you are doing the right thing for her. Be strong and time will heal.

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Janet
10/24/2017 07:13:06 am

After much agonizing and weighing all the options,you need to feel comfortable with the decision you have made,which I think is a wise one.We sit and watch humans,that we love,go through endless suffering but we have should not have to do this for animals.Let her go,knowing you did everything possible to give her the best quality of life you could.The suffering is what hurts the most.Take care.

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Janet Connolly
10/24/2017 08:20:33 am

my thoughts love and prayers are with you and Honey.
having gone somewhat the same route with our darling Shih Tzu of 13 years, in May past, I feel your pain.
Still having meltdowns.

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Lura Dillard
10/24/2017 02:56:03 pm

I had to do this in May with my sweet dog. I have not stopped tearing since I read your blog. The unexpected loss of my Moldy has been unbearable




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Paula
10/24/2017 03:47:20 pm

We're thinking about you. Sometimes it's so hard to do the right thing. Honey was a lucky dog

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Laura link
10/24/2017 04:45:29 pm

Don't apologize for how you grieve, Christine. You said it; they're our family. We love them completely. Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

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Cathy
10/24/2017 05:04:08 pm

Christine, I am so sorry for your loss, My fur baby left us on May 20 2015 and l have a memory of her every day which always brings a smile to my face. May you enjoy many more memories of Honey in the days ahead that bring a smile to your face,

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Linda
10/24/2017 06:40:49 pm

Love and prayers!

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Betsy Boltik
10/24/2017 07:06:11 pm

I lost my precious fur child to CHF at only seven years old. I cried so hard my next door neighbor heard me and came over thinking someone died. They did my baby. Knowing you are doing the last loving act, still dosen't help the pain. Let her go and wait for you at the rainbow bridge, pain free and happy again.

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Charlene
10/25/2017 06:33:11 am

Bye bye Honey. Over the rainbow bridge.

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Sylvia Doiron
10/25/2017 07:09:50 am

Feeling your sadness and pain. Praying for you.

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Barbara Carter
10/25/2017 12:48:39 pm

I am glad to have met Honey and been able to spend some time with her. Christine, my thoughts are with you in this difficult time. So glad you shared. You will always have Honey in your heart and so will everyone else she has touched with her sweetness. X0

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Janet MacDonald Guy
10/25/2017 12:49:32 pm

I know it’s very traumatic to put down a beloved pet! I had to do it myself! She will cross the Rainbow bridge with you by her side and holding her close and telling her what a good dog she was!

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Audrey John
10/25/2017 12:50:19 pm

Christine, this blog is a beautiful expression of sorrow. Print it and read it often. Honey will be with you always. You have been blessed to have known and loved her and receive her love in return. Hugs to you. Good bye sweet little girl. I'll miss you. Love, Audrey

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Pam Haughn
10/25/2017 12:51:02 pm

I remember Honey when you first brought her to the hook ins. So tiny and so cuddly. She loved everyone! I will be thinking of you Christine Little and hoping the memories of Honey will sustain you through the sad days ahead.

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Gail Mason
10/25/2017 12:51:39 pm

Christine my heart is crying for your pain I had to part with my boy 2 months ago and it still hurts so much remember the good times and know you will not be alone in your loss give lots of hugs and kisses.

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Claudia Forster Purchase
10/25/2017 12:52:56 pm

Sorry to hear this sad news, Christine. It is difficult to lose a cherished pet. Remember all the good times and she will be at peace. My prayers are with you. Take care

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Deborah Sweet
10/25/2017 12:53:31 pm

Little Honey, you took up a very small part of my drawing desk with your physical presence, but filled it with your sweet personality. I'll miss you.

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Frieda M. Perry
10/25/2017 12:54:19 pm

My very deepest condolences. Honey is the luckiest girl to have had you care for and love her through her illness and I know you've loved her all the more for it. My heart is breaking for you.

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Glenda Payne
10/25/2017 12:55:07 pm

My baby Miley crossed over the rainbow bridge 10-21-16. Broke my heart but she had that big C word. I have many prayers for you and your loss.

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Shelley Davidson Mc Mullen
10/25/2017 12:56:04 pm

Aww I feel really bad for you. I've been where you are. It was 3 years ago October 27th when we had to let our dog go...the last days were so hard

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Linda Dell'Aringa
10/25/2017 12:57:01 pm

I am so very sorry...our precious girl went over the bridge Sunday..she was 18 and we miss her so very much..I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

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Linda Zeitel Gorman
10/25/2017 12:57:59 pm

So difficult to make this decision and then follow through while your heart aches. Yet it is the most loving thing we can do for our beloved pets. So sorry for your pain.

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Ruby MacKenzie
10/25/2017 12:58:46 pm

It is always the hardest day in a pet owner's life..just think of all the joy she or he brought you...a lifetime of pleasure

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Wanda Paul
10/25/2017 12:59:27 pm

I'm so sorry. We had our last day with our beautiful girl 4 weeks ago. I know nothing I can say will make you feel better so I'll send a hug instead.

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Kathryn Lane
10/25/2017 01:00:14 pm

Christine , So sorry ! HONEY will fall asleep peacefully , it will be you who needs lots of TLC . Wishing the pain and tears to fade as you live with the memories.

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Carolyn Shifflett Hensley
10/25/2017 01:01:36 pm

I'm so sorry. I just lost my baby (poodle) he was with me at 6 weeks passed at 19 years. We had a good life. Prayers for you

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Joan Larsen Folkers
10/25/2017 01:02:25 pm

Oh, so sorry Honey is so sweet and I love that photo. Such a difficult day but that is part of the deal. To do what is best for our beloved pets.

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Trudy Bly
10/25/2017 01:03:09 pm

I am so sorry. I will keep you both in my prayers. Su h a difficult day. It is so hard but can not imagine not having them in my life.

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Ingrid Taylor
10/25/2017 01:04:06 pm

I see the sadness in Honey’s eyes; I hear the sadness and hurt in your heart. Thoughts and prayers will rise for you today and days ahead. Hugs!

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Heather Kennedy
10/25/2017 01:05:05 pm

Hold her, and cuddle her, and when she passes on, know that her little spirit will linger with you a while before she knows to follow the angels to heaven.

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Brian Cathie Mourre
10/25/2017 01:05:57 pm

Oh Christine my heart is sore for you. There is very little that compares to the love of such a sweet pea. Thinking of you Cathie.

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Lois Furlotte
10/25/2017 01:06:44 pm

So sorry, Christine. My heart goes out to you. Honey was such a dear little dog and you are the best doggy mom ever. xo

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Brenda Reed
10/25/2017 01:07:24 pm

I am so sorry Christine, I know how much your baby means to you. You both will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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Chris Howson Kroft
10/25/2017 01:08:21 pm

I’m so very sorry, it is by far the hardest part of loving your pet. Remember the good days she/he had, because of you

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Cheryll McGehee
10/25/2017 01:09:32 pm

I am so sorry...my heart breaks for you. There are no words to describe the pain of losing a beloved pet...

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Lorie Scott
10/25/2017 01:10:20 pm

So sorry. I lost my beloved cat right after the new year. It is hard to say goodbye to pets that we love so much. They bring so much to our lives.

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Edith Wentzell Whynot
10/25/2017 01:11:20 pm

So sad for you and her but we need to do what's right for our pets. May you have lots of happy memories of her.

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Maggie Muggins
10/25/2017 01:12:13 pm

I am so sorry. Losing a member of your family is devastating! You must be very kind and gentle with yourself. Your heart will tell you what to do. Bless you.

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Sherry Chandler
10/25/2017 01:13:07 pm

You will be in my thoughts all day. Your blog brought tears to my eyes, what a wonderful tribute to Honey.

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Ginny Deppe
10/25/2017 01:13:56 pm

Never easy to let your ❤️ go. When it’s time it is the most loving thing to do. My heart hurts for you.

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Lucy Richard
10/25/2017 01:14:43 pm

We are thinking about you today Christine and hope that together we can bring you strength.

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Susan M. Barr
10/25/2017 01:15:36 pm

We will be thinking of you tomorrow Christine. You will always have her with you in your ❤️

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Maggie Bathory
10/25/2017 01:16:28 pm

You have my deepest and most sincere sympathy. Your heart is breaking over losing a loved one who loves you very much. You are brave and your heart is overflowing with love to help ease Honey’s suffering and give her peace. I am keeping you in my thoughts.

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Barbara Kimbrough
10/25/2017 01:17:21 pm

It’s so difficult, I know. I feel your pain.

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Kathleen Marie
10/25/2017 01:18:27 pm

My condolences. They leave a terrible void when they leave us.

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Joyce Langlois
10/25/2017 01:19:26 pm

So sad, prayers for you and your precious Honey.

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Marolyn Matthews
10/25/2017 01:20:28 pm

Well no more pain over the rainbow it's hard to do I had to do the same gone to doggie Heaven

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Tracy Page Lemmer
10/25/2017 01:21:20 pm

Incredibly sorry for what you are facing.

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Ramona Hall Leavitt
10/25/2017 01:22:22 pm

I am truly sorry. Losing our fur friends is so hard.

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    We have a pot to "Fiz" in!

Shop Hours:
Monday - Friday 10:00 AM - 5:00 PM 
Saturdays 12:00 PM - 4:00 PM
We are closed during ice and snow storms
​so please call ahead.  If school is cancelled we probably are as well.  

Toll Free: 1-855-624-0370
Local: 1-902-624-0370​
encompassingdesigns@gmail.com

498 Main Street
P.O. Box 437
Mahone Bay, N.S.
Canada B0J 2E0

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